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Running Towards Change

       I've written this blog in my head over and over for a few days now, but am finally ready to put to 'paper' so to speak. So here it goes....

       Change is inevitable. Change is usually good. It helps us grow, improve and learn. But change can also be scary and daunting. That's the change I'm dealing with right now. See, Friday was possibly one of the biggest days in my life in a long time. Seems like a such a strong statement but it was. I formally resigned from my music therapy position with the local school district. This is a job that I held for 11 years. It was my first real job. You know, aside from the working at The Limited, grocery store, or selling accidental death and dismemberment insurance over the phone type summer jobs I had throughout college and before.  And yes, I actually did sell D and D insurance and was pretty decent at it, but we'll leave that for another blog post. 
       Being a music therapist has been a job that I've loved. I have grown and changed (there's that word again...) so much through this job. I have learned more about Autism, special education, IEP's and IDEA, dealing with teachers, parents, kids and even siblings and much more then I ever anticipated. Through it all I have felt and seen God's hand guiding me. When I applied for my job I had no desire to work with students on the Autism Spectrum, that was the farthest thing from my mind. But it was part of the job, so I reluctantly jumped in. I can see how God put me there by simply interacting with my nephew, Josh, who has Autism. This was not something anyone in my family knew about or even thought he had at the time I took my position.
       So why resign? Well, the answer isn't a simple one. The basic answer is that I want to have a job that is less stressful and go back to school to get my Masters in Special Education. The answer to the less stressful job is taking what is called a Paraeducator position, basically the assistant to the classroom teacher position. However, I thought this would mean simply transferring to that position. I quickly found out that it meant resigning and then waiting to be rehired. Yikes!
    The weirdest, or maybe not so weird, part of this experience has been that God gave me a peace about this decision. It was like he set it before me and said "Okay, it's all ready, you just have to be brave enough to do it." I know that may sound cliché, but that's really what happened. It was somewhat surreal because I knew from day one of this past school year, that this would be my last school year.  But only a handful of trusty friends and family knew. So every time I walked in to a school that first week I fully knew it would be my last first week of school as an MT (music therapist).  From time to time the realizations were overwhelming. Some things were exciting, like the prospect of getting my trunk of my car back! No more guitar, and cart, and files, and computer bag filling the car so not even a trip to BJ's was possible. Some things were depressing; like knowing that I wouldn't work with my students in this capacity again, knowing that I wouldn't converse with parents in the same way, knowing that someone else (whom is awesome by the way) would be working with my students next year. It was just enough to make me feel for a split second that this was crazy.
        I have never doubted my decision until this last week when it became real. When I filled out that little carbon copy paper expressing my desire to resign. I tried to distract my self by celebrating the end of our summer school camp, but deep down I just wanted to collapse. Any time that I take to fully let the emotions of this change envelope me I feel the weight of it. I feel the doubts engulf me and the peace and even excitement, that I've had all year are gone.
There are little things that seem to make me believe that this was the wrong decision, like the nifty little cubicle that suddenly became mine and all mine in the middle of the year. You see part of what made my job so difficult was that there was never one school or place that was my own. So all of the sudden offices get moved and behold I am given a nifty cubicle to call my own. A place that's quiet and even has a window!

 
       I have tried to find peace in God, after all He's the one who set this out before me. I have tried very hard to not worry, to be confident in the path He has for me. But I have to admit, I'm not very good at it. I'm much better at thinking of all the bad things that could happen, all the scary possibilities and how stupid this decision might be. I'm also better at avoiding thinking about it and somehow thinking that translates into trusting God. But I'm not sure it does.
       I'm not sure what the key is to trusting God with this, but as I type this, I'm feeling more peace about it. Perhaps it's the fact that I am openly admitting how bad I am at trusting God. I mean seriously, I feel like the little kid that realized the mistake they made and so very badly just wants to run to their mommy and get them to make it all right.
       I guess the reality is that none of us have mastered this. If we had, the world would be a totally different place. If we knew how to lean in and trust what God has for us, things in our life and beyond would be beautiful.



       A few weeks ago I made a new goal for myself; to run a 5K. I am enjoying the training for the 5K much more then I ever thought I would. It's given me time contemplate things. It has given me a chance to see the beauty around me. I have begun to really cherish the time I have to go running. It's my time to push myself physically and emotionally. To realize that there are no boundaries. But more importantly to be able to say to God "I can't do this!" and hear Him say "I know, that's the point. let Me."
       I don't know what lies ahead. But knowing that no matter how many times I try to solve the problem, or worry about it, or change it, there is someone always willing to take me back and comfort me. That I suppose is what change is all about this time around...




Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
Proverbs 3:5-7a MSG










Comments

  1. I'm so proud of you and the person you've become ! I can't wait to see where your "Masters " will take you ! Wherever you are , you make a difference !! Love you ! :)

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